I'm not writing this just after the session like I normally do, but hopefully the details won't be too skewed, it's only been a few hours. Before I do go in to it a quick update on my financial situation. It's looking much better than it was before. I was able to work out a deal with my dad where instead of getting all my money, I pay for the shopping every other week. In total I owe my dad £200 now, and the shopping comes to between 40 and 60, so if I pay for it then eventually he'll be paid off, and probably end up with more money than I took from him. I might also keep this up so basically I just pay for the shopping every other week. It feels nice to genuinely contribute.
Okay so on to the therapy. When I got there I found out that another therapist would be sitting in on the session but I didn't really have a problem with that. She offered some things herself so it turned out to be pretty good she was there. During the week leading up to this session Suzy asked me to what she called a "Fear hierarchy" which is basically listing the things that scare me/stress me out, and rating how much they do out of ten. Almost everything was rated above a five, with the highest one being eating in public on my own which got a nine. She was pretty impressed that I was able to take the huge step I did last week of posting a picture and going out every day, and especially that even though pretty much everything in my life scares the crap out of me, I still do them. I don't think that's all so special though, I'm doing what I have to do. It's as simple as that. She made it sound like a person in my situation, feeling everything I feel, would be in bed crying. I do know that I am a very resilient person though.
She also made me realise how much being ignored at my nephew's party when I said I was neglected upset me. I was joking about it, and laughing about it, but yeah I was hurt inside. The other lady who was there told me I don't give myself much credit, and even though other people are very quick to trust me, I'm not comfortable in my own skin. Which is pretty true really. Everyone trusts me very easily. Never been able to work that one out. My abandonment issues came up too and she told me that we had to work through those. I told her the things that happened to me when I was at work, how my boss would let me down all the time, and how the other people there would outright call me lazy to my face, and she could understand how I felt about the place.
When we got to the end of the session, and we were setting the goals for next week, I came up with the goal of going to the shop I volunteered at, but as a customer. Just to go in. I have been avoiding the hell out of the place since I left. I did go in there after the therapy, and I even bought a game. So yay for going in. Though I was looking for a new hat, not a game. I didn't go in to the back area though, and only talked to the cashier, who was someone I know. It didn't go too bad at all really.
The other goals I have for this week are to continue going out, and to start conversations with people, and I've come up with one or two others of my own. The main one being to talk about my interests at least once because something that stresses me out is talking to people about my interests, I don't want people having preconceived notions about me based on my taste in music, or that I play videogames. I also think that my ultimate goal for therapy, what I hope to achieve when all the sessions are done, should possibly be to go back in to volunteering. Assuming I don't have a job by then.