Friday, 28 December 2012

Friends

No, not the TV show, I'm talking about actual friends. I said in my therapy post that I would just turn the subject of friends in to a post of it's own, and so I shall. That would be this post in case you didn't get the hint.

Let's face it, I'm cute, relaxed, open minded, affectionate, and for the most part I have a pretty cool personality. I don't find it too hard to make friends, I've talked to plenty of people in my time. When I want to be, I can be pretty charismatic; I have the silver tongue of an English gentleman. I think it's evident in my writing when I write a conversation. See I can happily sit here and say that my problem is not making friends, my problem is keeping friends.

Keeping friends requires time, and effort. Sometimes I really do want to be left alone, even if I know it's not really good for me. I've had plenty of bad experiences with people too, which doesn't help. I have a hard time introducing myself to people. I'm very different once you really get to know me. Like how me and Fang joke all the time about being gay. I wouldn't really hit on a guy, ever (I r failed closet homo) but I'm able to sit back and have a laugh with him. It's not just how much bad people have screwed me over though, it's also how much good people have let me down. They also keep leaving me and so I'm left on my own. I know that not every friendship I have can be one like I have with Jessica, even she doesn't know people like us, but I feel like I deserve something. Every time someone has let me down, it's a slap to the face and to the psyche. The main reason I have no social life, and never go out, is that no one has ever invited me. When I started getting close to my boss I got visions of hanging out in his flat with him, and other people from there had done, but nope, apparently I'm not good enough. In fact other than Jessica I've been to one guys house. ONE. It was a god awful fucking nightmare too. It was the first time I had ever been to someone's house, so I had no idea how to behave. It lead to much social destruction and embarrassment. Now I'm afraid to go to the toilet in my own mothers house without asking. Every time I ask her too she tells me off for asking.

Bad people have hurt me, good people have let me down, and I have no idea how to even keep a relationship going. I have trouble starting a relationship, and I think that every friendship I form has a sell by date, and thus there's no point in getting in to it. I can't just sit back and enjoy the good times I get with the people I know.

That, in short, is how I have trouble making and keeping friends.

Yes I'm aware I said I had no trouble making friends but what I meant is that I'm quite likeable, and so if I applied myself I could have friends. When I was playing World Of Warcraft (don't judge me, I was lonely) I had a circle of friends. As one by one they left I felt so hurt and let down that I never built it back up. In the end my friends were the only reason I played that game, and in the end, the lack of them is the reason I stopped.

Sorry about the length of this, I really got on a roll. Oddly enough it only took fifteen minutes to write.

15 comments:

  1. I'm sure you'll find many friends who'll love you for being awesome, which you are, and I'm sure you'll love them too. :-) x

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  2. Wait how the hell do our jokes and I fit into this again? And is that you saying you're not actually gay, or just really shy, or what? I is confus, man. ):

    But yeah, about the whole keeping friendships going thing. I think it'll just flow naturally, so you need to stop worrying? Also, the being in someone's house thing, just do whatever feels natural. You'll just act normal towards them, but when parents or bathrooms or refrigerators or whatever get involved you'll get a bit more formal. After a while that wears off though, at most of my friends' places I can safely get myself something to drink now.

    Friendships breaking up sucks, but don't be afraid to be a tad clingy when you feel the need to. It's never really hurt me or my friendships, so yeah. Just.. don't overdo it, I guess?

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    1. I'm using it as an example of how I can be when I let my hair down, kick back, and have fun with someone. As an example of the kind of fun person I can actually be. Whether I'm gay or not is an entirely different post, and one that would be about thrice as long as this one. Short answer? Dunno.

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  3. In the end I think it comes down to trust, and for those of us who have been disappointed too many times by the good people, it's very very hard to trust anyone enough to keep close friends.

    I didn't really have any close friends until I met a few people who had been equally fecked in the head by bad parents/awful childhoods/etc. Those people are still my close friends. Maybe we just need to keep our eyes open for the people who are worth keeping around?

    And for the record if you ever come to my house, you can not only use the loo whenever you want, but you're also welcome to make yourself tea, or even a full meal in my kitchen, without asking. Everyone else does. ;)

    xo

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  4. Friends are an important part of your life.Its just a matter of fact that how you stay connected with them.Don't worry you'll have good friends too.May be you already have but you haven't realised it yet!

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  5. You're right it really does take a lot of time and effort to keep friends. I think the key is finding a balance between "you time" and the time spend with friends.

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  6. Maybe you're overthinking it...I've realised the only time I make a fool of myself in public is when I'm actually TRYING to be cool and fun and likeable...I end up creating a she's-weird situation or end up hurting someone.
    Yeah and about the friend's house thing,I ACTUALLY have read Etiquette For Dummies(yep,Weirdo gal)...it's best if you follow your host's lead...do what your friend does or just ask if it's fine.
    Stay cool!

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  7. I too am perplexed by the whole mystery of finding and keeping friends. If you are not feeling confident enough that people will want to be your friend, and stay your friend, it is just going to be overwhelmingly crushing if they let you down. You should build up that confidence first so that you are able to absorb the hit of people leaving you. Then when you are feeling good about yourself, people will just gravitate to you, and if some of them leave, it won't be as big a deal, because you will be secure with who you are at least. That's my 2 cents anywho...

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  8. Great post Mark, just like you the concept of friends is a bizarre thing for me, concentrating on relationships and getting a grasp on them is tough for me for some reason as well. I think you might be overthinking a little though but to me that's what the best and most intelligent do, they don't accept things and just move on they consider it. That can cause problems in another way though as you know, mentally.

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  9. Well, you know I'm still around for you to chat with or rant at.
    I've not heard from you in a while, so I hope you are doing fine and not lost my e-mail address. I had to take it down as I was getting photo's of morgues sent to me...not very nice!

    Still waiting for my Christmas card by the way!
    Talk to you soon.

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  10. Mark, I am telling you what...were we not an ocean apart, I have a feeling I would be dragging you all over with me! I think we all have issues with putting a lot into relationships and not getting a lot back. I've been dealing with a situation with a friend I have known for thirty years. Still waiting for some resolution on that front. Just try not to let it get to you and things will happen. Its exactly like looking for love - the second you stop looking it smacks you in the face!

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  11. You let the bad things drag you down far too much. We all encounter bad people, get let down, or lose touch with others. But it's how we rebound from it that matters.

    I'm not saying pretend it never happened or ignore it, but letting one bad incident taint every subsequent one is not a good way to live. Learn to adapt and let go.

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  12. Man, I know that feel.

    It's hard to keep friends, especially new-found ones. I'm usually very tentative around people and it takes me FOREVER to warm up to people IRL, but once a bond is formed I'm a friend for life.

    I'm scared of having to make new friends. Hang in there, Mark.

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  13. I know what you mean. Maintaining and building friendships takes a lot of effort and time, and sometimes it takes more than you're able to give.

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