Seriously, yay for guest posts. I've been pretty depressed since the weekend still which means I've not written a damn thing this week. Well, nothing of any real substance anyway, yesterday's post doesn't count. Or I should see it as counting and not be so depressed but anyway, yes, I have a guest post for y'all. It's from Shockgrubz and really he describes the whole scenario so much better than me. It's a pretty cool story so enjoy! PS It's about the length of one and a half IS updates, to give you an idea on length.
Rewind to a few years,months,or eons ago, or what seems like an eternity to me and you'll find on a Doomcast of mine, a promise that I would produce a guest post to be shamelessly featured on this very blog. Since then I've been waging a battle with the most terrifying enemy to any writer. My inner critic.
First off, he's got more imagination than me. Any attempt for me to hit 'publish' or 'enter' is interrupted by his loud claims of shortcomings and missteps. I'd be thinking about posting a story about a cloud eating machine, and he shows me a web-page that has links to cloud-seeding and nitrogen falling from the skies. He tells me that it's all been done before and I'm not bringing 'anything new under the sun'*
Before these words have reached you, I will have crafted over two-dozen posts for this very occasion. To this day only one survived, and I give it to you.
Meet Shaze McFey, a twenty-five year old rouge urban survivalist who woke up ravenously hungry and is calling his friend, Theodore Expilsion, to ask for a favor.
"yeah, it's me. I was wondering if you might possibly be able to give me a
ride to the grocery store. I don't have any gas money, but I will be able to slide you a bag of nuggets, if you can use them."
"Okay. You're over there?"
"See you in a few minutes"
From the moment his thumb clicked the end button to theo's knock on the door shaze's thoughts were of nothing but food. He became ravenously hungry once he allowed his mind to drift into culinary cogniscience. With the anticipation of shopping for food comes the mixture of a great culinary imagination and the perpetual munchies of being a growing man. Shaze's next three thoughts :
If immediately chilled, the pastry shell of the choco-moose pie will not crack when contacting the frigid filling.
Brown food tastes the best because your body doesn't have to turn it any other color.
How much would do-it-yourself tiramisu cost, and can I hack it?
Theodore's knock on the glass brought Shaze out of his munchie musing. He was up and with his friend walking to the vehicle in seconds.
"so, thanks for helping me out. I'm in the market for baking supplies and implements."
" you know, shaze. You can't purchase implements with the implant."
To drive his point home, theod took shaze's finger in his hands and tapped the glowing spot that communicated all of the social help that he recieved from the government.
"I know that, but now they've made these new muffins that come in their own re-usable forms. I can buy those with my data-ray" Shaze pointed his pinky finger as a gun toward theodore and made cute 'pewpew' noises.
Theo laughed and looked back to the road. He liked SHaze. He wished he could help him more. If theo could take all of the times his friend had made him laugh, he could fill a twitter up for years. But theo didn't use twitter for laughs, he hung out with shaze, and that was enough.
At the grocery store, shaze caught the eye of a wild promiscuous heathen. She had purple and orange locks in varying widths and styles of braids hanging from a central topiary that draped them down over a face that can only be described as stimulated sensuality melded with a serious silliness. She had never seen shaze or theo in her life, but she walked up to both men as if they'd been roomies for years.
"Don't get the durum wheat, you know how gassy that makes me.'
Theo laughed a syllable of mirth. Shaze dropped the pasta he'd been pondering and looked at her as if her gas would be marketable enough to be on that shelf right next to the Borscht.
Bridgelle then pretended to be comparing the ingredients of the soups by plucking them out of the dispensers on the end, then placing them back in the dispensers in the middle. She did this a few times before theod asked her name.
'My name was mulligatawny, but secretly I am Gazpacho! she said while pointing at the names of the soups before depositing them in the wrong slots.
'Gazpacho, we have a briss to attend. Let's make haste!" Shaze knew exactly what to say to diminish the scope of his new muse's destructive chaos while getting her to follow him to the ends of the earth,(or at least out of atley's foodmart).
"A briss? oh, my. we musht have kosher salt." she skipped along the frozen endcaps until turning out of sight.
' Ditch her man, I'm catching bad vibe' Theod was trying to talk sense into his friend. He'd seen so many like Gazpacho before.
' Can't. I bet you don't like her smell, I understand if you don't want her coming along.' Shaze was always talking to theo of people's smells and how the bigger the nose, the more sensitive the sniffer. Theod's nose was bigger than the pepper bridgelle brought back with the salt and club soda. theo wondered if there'd be another nose joke soon.
'you know, because after the baby gets cut, he might want a stiff drink'
'I would down some sauce if my Johnson became just john'
Bridgelle spied the glowing light within shaze's finger. she grabbed it with glee. She said that she had only just heard about the device that those of the poorest class were forced to obtain to continue their track on welfare service.
'I hear that these feed you dreams of being a slave for crassus'
'No, my dreams lately are of the insides of my eyelids' shaze ended the statement with an exaggerated frown. Bridgelle took the cue and lightly touched the skin over her new love's eyes.
'Those lids must be extrodinary!'
Theo had walked off in hopes that shaze would ditch bridgelle and come to his senses. Theo then started a silent countdown to ditch his own buddy.
Along the utensil isle, she grabbed the knife. He couldn't see her do it, but Shaze saw a determination in her face that he knew meant she wanted something and was about to get it. She took him by the hand and led him through the butcher's area to an unmarked bathroom.
He didn't flinch one bit. He was silent from the moment he saw the glint from the blade to the instant he heard the tiny 'plop' sound the rfid tube made coming out of his skin, He made a few grunts in acceptance, when she wrangled his finger from his fist, but other than that no words passed their lips.
The blood was just drying on the edge of the paring knife, dulling the light in front of bridgelle's face. From the dime-sized tube came an amber light emitted from an led in the top of the thing.
' They just gave you this last week. It has all your med records as well?'
' Yeah, even that one time with the gourd. They still won't erase it.'
She took that word and leapt with it out the butcher's double doors.
"Let's erase it!'
'Nono, sweet Gazpacho, I have to use that to pay for the groceries.'
The rfid chip Bridgelle/ Gazpacho held in her fist could not only divulge the amount of state food aid he had remaining in his balance, it would reject any inappropriate maximums in fat,sugar, and sodium at the checkout counter.
Shaze didn't understand that once the device hit air, a silent alarm went off, disabling all of the assistance and beckoning authorities to recover the device.
The newly enamoured pair met back up with Theodore at the checkout. He had the latest issue of technological advancements quarterly and looked to be ogling the cashier.
'That'll be twenty-two oh two'
"I don't want it that bad", and in protest, Theo chucked it into a wastebasket behind the cashier's back. It bounced on the rim twice before plummeting to the sticky
void. In time for the surprised look of the blustered cashier, a loud alarm went off that cut off Theo's next witty line.
Bridgelle took Shaze by the collarbone and pressed her lips to his forehead for a split second before saying
"Find me at 7 effing 36th at 8:40, and we'll talk". With that exchange came a look of spontaneous change from flighty to fierce. She darted out the door before anyone else moved.
Shaze was frozen, still trying to fit in what was happenning. Theo was at the door, looking at him expectantly, waving his arms and shouting something drowned out by the loud alarm. The managers and workers had sped to the other end of the store, as if they'd done this in a drill before. Shaze didn't move to save himself until he saw the security guard speaking on his walkie-talkie, with one hand on his billy-club.
Theo was no longer visible at the entrance, but Shaze knew his friend couldn't help him at this point. In a move born from overheating suddenly, Shaze threw his overcoat at the guard. Inexplicably, it covered his face and Shaze ran the way he saw Bridgelle go.
There was no sign of the mysterious woman, but he did see Theo's Green Beast doing a turn into a parking lot down the street.
A swat van blocked the intersection only two seconds after Shaze had walked past. The survivalist shook off the suspicion that they didn't see him, but he was able to make his way back to his friend in time to see what looked like a military-grade staging area being made at the grocery store.
Theo had positioned the ride to jet away as soon as Shaze shut the door and belted in.
"Did I cause that, or you cause that?", Theo queried Shaze for the source of the fracas.
"It was me, well me and my new crush". Shaze couldn't help but remember how sweet her neck smelled when she kissed his forehead. He was smitten, and he got a pad from the glove-box and started writing what she said to him.
"Now what, you're listing your demands?" Theo knew the limits he could take his friend to before he'd stop 'kidding'. He was comfortably within the lines with this jabbing question.
"Yes. They include the ability to see my crush. And the ability to decode her message."
"What is it?"
"Find me at effing seven thirty-six at 8:40" Shaze wasn't the best at decoding cryptic messages, but Theo had years as a cryptographer, working with state documents and high-clearance security folios.
"Worry, not, Mercucio, for I know where to find her, and when."
"You amaze me, friend. I don't think anyone could have deduced it quicker. Before we go, do we have time to stop for a meal?"
"Plenty of time. We don't rendezvous until tonight, so what do you say to steak?"
Shaze said no words, but shook his friend's hand and transferred it into a slapping hug to show his acceptance of a steak dinner and an evening of adventure.