Friday, 28 February 2014

Dirty Filthy Words

This post has been sitting in the vault for a while. I wrote it and then chickened out of posting it, but it's the least offensive of my "Rambling Person After Dark" posts and I got nothing, so I decided to go through with posting it after all. I mean no offence with this post. NONE. Consider it just an English lesson, complete with a metric fuckton of swearing. We've started already! I'll apologise for offending you but I won't apologise for saying words in a non-filthy context.

Please note that while this post is going to be full of swearing, it actually contains NO swearing at all. As today I'm just going to say some words that have become curse words over the years, but really aren't. Some you might know, some you might not. I take no responsibility for any injury, fatal or otherwise, or wrath anyone should incur when using these words, and then trying to explain what they really meant with them. Oh and I guess some might be actual swearing, but it's tame swearing. Whatever, on with the swear-fest!

1. Bastard
This is actually a pretty common one, I think. But I did recently see a show where someone was called a bastard in the context I'm about to talk about, and it was censored, even though it was part of a story (Come on people!) so maybe it isn't. Anyway, bastard means a child born out of wedlock. If your parents weren't married when you were born, congratulations, you are now a bastard child! I'm not sure if it counts for people who are married when the kid is born, but not when it is conceived. Even though my sisters have a different father, I was still the second born to my dad, so yay I'm most definitely not a bastard. I also find it a delicious irony that everyone of my nieces and nephews are bastard children. Though I'd never say it to their face, or near their mothers. I don't have the cajones. (balls as far as I know)

2. Bitch
This one is almost so well known that I didn't really want to mention it, but hey, I need to stretch out the list somehow right? Bitch means female dog, which is why it's typically only women that are called bitches as an insult. Bitch. It's also interesting to note that "Son of a bitch" should really only be said to guys, and is an insult to their mothers. Although now "son of a bitch" tends to mean someone who's pretty crafty anyway, so eh.

3. Gay
Gay means happy, which is fun cos most of the homosexuals I know are also the happiest. So here's a protip for you, find the biggest, hardest, happiest man you can, and call him gay. See if you can get out of the death match he'll give you. Unless he's actually a big, hard, homosexual, in which case I advise that you just leave him be unless you're into that kind of thing.

4. Fornicate
Alright, fornicate isn't really a swear word, but it's still a fun word. Which contrary to seemingly popular belief does not mean sex, but is actually pre-marital sex. So if you're a bastard child it's pretty clear that your parents fornicated at least once.

5. Ass
Again, this one might not fit really, but I was running out of words. An ass is a donkey, specifically a male one I believe.

If you call someone an ass, this is what you mean

So there you are, five words which are now less rude. But again, I'm not going to responsible if you get hurt, physically or mentally, or in trouble, for the use of any of these words. There are also other words that don't mean bad things all the time, but there are some things that shouldn't be touched. As a last note, never ever EVER search Google for "Ass" when you mean donkey.

Ever.

Damn that was a lot of ass.

Also, again, I'll apologise if I managed to offend you, but I gave you enough warning at the start of the post, and I won't apologise for saying any words I've said.

Thursday, 27 February 2014

I Am A God...Of Weight Loss

Hey y'all. I know it's been a while now since I've done a podcast but I have an idea for one, and possibly even a new direction to take my podcast. I'm still working on it though so for now I'll just regale you with a tale of what happened when I went to the doctor's on Monday to get weighed.

You might recall that I've been cutting down on my food intake for nearly two months now; since just before the new year. I see my doctor to be weighed in five week increments. After the first five weeks, I lost about 7 pounds. That's roughly 3 kilos for those who prefer to be measured in kilos. We had a quick chat and she told me that pure fruit juice, which I thought was a pretty neat thing to drink, was in fact a horrible horrible thing to drink. It contains about 1 calorie per 1ml of liquid. I was drinking a litre of it a day, and therefore taking in over 1000 more calories than I thought I was. Which really just makes that weight loss even more impressive.

Anyway, this time I cut that out and I've been drinking only dilute juice and, on occasion, an energy drink. Ain't dead yet folks. I also had two random iced coffees. So I go in to get weighed and part of me actually felt like crying when I looked at the scale. In five weeks, five freakin weeks, I lost a whopping 12 pounds. Close to double what I lost last time. That's 5.4 kilos.

I eat roughly 1600 calories a day, and actually barely exercise. I still eat a good amount of bacon, chicken and even chips (home fries to you yanks) and still lost the weight. It's gotten to the point where I don't understand how I used to eat so much, and how other people can have such trouble. I struggle to eat more than 1600 calories.

I aim to be more active this time round and keep up this fabulous loss. Now I'm losing so much I do have to increase my activity. Losing weight through just food is grand and all, but it really slows down after a while and needs to be supplemented with exercise. The only real problem I have is that I don't feel any thinner. My body still looks and feels the same to me. Exercise should help there too, and slim down my frame a little.

Monday, 24 February 2014

Kids Believe The Darndest Things

You've heard of "Kids say the darndest things" and now it's time for, as the title suggests, "Kids believe the darndest things." See, kids will believe almost anything you tell them. It might not be nice to take advantage of this, but it sure is fun!

For reasons quite unkown to me one of my nieces asked me if all emos wear gloves all the time. Shortly before this she asked me if I was ever an emo. I had a bit of a goth phase and did the whole "make up and long fingerless gloves" things when I was younger. I wasn't an emo though. God forbid. I really don't even know why the topic of emos came up. I think she wants to be an emo. Her hair was dyed blonde, then black, so if anything she's more like a scene kid.

So anyway, back to the story. At first I wasn't really exactly sure what to tell her and then I came up with the proper way to answer that question. I decided to explain why emos wore gloves a lot as well as just say yes or no. I told her that the reason emos wear gloves is because their cold and icy hearts make them cold too. They wear gloves because they're so naturally cold they need the extra warmth. I don't know if she really believed me all that much but she acted like she did and it's not the first time I've done something like this. I once convinced her that a friend I was talking to was Jesus.

There are three things to take away from this folks;
1; Kids believe almost anything you say.
2; I'm not bad at thinking on my feet.
3; I really shouldn't be left around impressionable and curious kids.

Once again, I feel sorry for any imaginary (or real) child I may have in the future.

Friday, 21 February 2014

I've Gotten Back On The Saddle So Much It's Worn Out

Seriously, that saddle must be pretty damn worn out by now. Well after lamenting how little I felt like writing lately I finally got back to writing yesterday. Kinda. These edits are pretty easy and involve very little writing actually. I won't know how well I'm really doing until I'm writing new content, which will be soon. I can now say I've completed at least 4/5ths of the editing because I've edited over 200 pages of just over 250. That's A4 pages. The word count is still at about 71000. Of course I'm talking about Immortal Space. I even posted a new update on my writing blog that you should all check out.

I don't know what changed really to make me feel like going to it. I guess maybe I got tired of it just sitting there, and of just feeling lazy. I'm pretty sure drinking half a litre of energy drinks probably helped too. That might be, and probably was, the most energy drinks have ever affected me. I wasn't bouncing off the walls or anything but I was moving my hands pretty quickly. I can already type pretty fast as it is anyway. Try to be productive folks, even if it is only for an hour and a half a day. Which is about how long I manage to write productively.

Just kidding, I can probably last longer but I had other things to do. Even though I don't have a job I don't have unlimited free time. Not that I'm going to complain about that. I still have more than enough to get done everything I want to get done. If you want to do something that badly then you'll find time.

Now, if I could just feel thinner that would be great. Even though my diet is going pretty well, and I've undoubtedly lost a good deal of weight, I'm not feeling any thinner at all. I am feeling pretty darn good though. Wonder how long that'll last.

It's probably already passed.

Thursday, 20 February 2014

UNICEF Tap Project

You might have heard of UNICEF; they're pretty charitable people, owing to their status as a charity. Funny how that works. Well anyway, they have a pretty cool thing going on right now that they call the UNICEF Tap Project. Unfortunately I can't do it on my Blackberry but I'm telling you guys about it in the hopes that you have some kind of more advanced phone than me and can do it. It's a thing where you go to Uniceftapproject.org (that's Unicef Tap Project without spaces) and it goes from there. My phone couldn't even load that page so I don't know what happens next, but for every ten minutes you don't use your phone (including if you leave it on overnight) their sponsor will provide one day's worth of clean drinking water.

I firmly believe in the massive difference just clean drinking water can provide, and I really think it's something that everyone deserves. It's an incredible shame that it's something that not everyone gets. I hate to sound like a celebrity begging people for money when I have millions, but seriously you guys, go ten minutes without your phone and help someone today. Plus I don't have millions, so telling me to just give the money myself won't do any good. They aren't even asking for your money, they're just asking you to put your phone down for at least ten minutes. It isn't that hard to do. As I said, I actually can't do it or I really would. I only check my phone when I get an email, and that barely happens. They'd rack up tons of water from me. Let that be a lesson UNICEF, be Blackberry friendly! Then again, they probably are Blackberry friendly if your Blackberry isn't as old as mine. It was already old when I got it three years ago. Hard to believe it's already been three years since I got this phone. But that's true.

Anyway, enough about my phone. This is about your phones, and the good you can do just by putting the thing down for at least ten minutes. Besides, some people out there just really need to put their phones down.

Monday, 17 February 2014

I've Lost That Writing Feeling

When I thought about what I wanted to write about, I came to the conclusion that generally I write out my feelings on here sometimes. One thing I'm definitely not feeling much of these days is a want to write thanks to this stuff with my so called publisher. They've pushed back the release date so much and now aren't even bothering to give me an estimate. When I asked them for a reason for the delay their answer was short and not really relevant. "Our next batch of releases will be out soon!" or something like that was the reply.

My lack of wanting to write has also been evident in my writing blog. Even though I've definitely got the updates to post, I've not actually posted an update in a few weeks now I think. I barely even want to look at Immortal Space, much less write in it. I've had a very very rough past few weeks too to boot. I've not been sleeping anywhere near as much as I should and I can't remember the last time I felt healthy. Oddly enough though my oral hygiene is looking good. I say "oddly enough" because typically oral hygiene is one of the first things to go when a person enters a state of depression. I'm not exactly depressed or anything, just unmotivated.

I had myself a whole lot of hope about these things, about the publishing deal definitely, and now it seems to have just fluttered away. I originally planned to still write Immortal Space no matter what; submit it to another publisher if I had to. I guess I'm not feeling that much either.

Sucks to be my creativity right now I guess.

Friday, 14 February 2014

A Sorta Non-Valentines Day Post

Well it is Valentine's Day once again, the day when the V and the D come together. Anyone else ever find it funny that the acronym for Valentine's Day is V.D, which is the same as Venereal Disease? Anyway I'm mostly just using V.D (Valentines and not Venereal) to set up a post, rather than have it be all about it. I'm sure you're probably going to be pretty sick of V.D posts. I on the other hand just have a bit of love advice out there. That's right folks, I can actually be considered an expert on love. The same way the Pope can be considered an expert on sex.

Ya see, there was a time when I would tell myself, of my partner, "I trust you, just not everyone else." Which basically means "I don't think you'll cheat but I know everyone is going to hit on you" and it also has the hidden message of "deep down I'm slightly worried flattery will get them somewhere." That right there shows that you DON'T trust your partner. I had a friend who worked as a waitress in a bar and she told me that guys hit on her all the time and that one time, some guy actually offered to do her in the back of his pickup truck that was parked outside. She flatly refused them because she was in a relationship at the time. Normal people suck, there's no doubt about that, but your partner isn't about to up and cheat on you because they do. If you really trust your partner, then your trust of everyone else doesn't matter. No matter what, said partner isn't going to do anything.

So this Valentines Day, and every other day thereafter, remember to treat your partner with respect, love, and trust. People might flirt with, or come on to, your partner but it means very little because they, your partner themselves, would never act on it. They're typically grossed out by it if my friends are any indication.

Well that's enough from me really.

Thursday, 13 February 2014

You've Done It Again Science

Science is awesome. Case in point; BIONIC HANDS THAT CAN FEEL THINGS. To be honest I didn't even know that bionic hands were already a thing. They've had artificial limbs for a long time now, but now you have ones that you can control with your mind. I'm pretty sure I've probably seen them around, but never really acknowledged or learned much about them. That's a damn shame because I absolutely love science and I've been waiting a long time for bionic limbs. Not that I'd ever get one unless I needed one. I'm quite happy with my fleshy human arms. Robot hands would still be pretty cool though, and they're especially cool for people who have lost their hands. Or the use of them at least.

People like Dennis Aabo Sørenson from Denmark. He lost the lower portion of his left arm nine years ago and he had one of those fancy bionic hands he could control with his mind. He took part in a trial to test a new one that let him feel things too and it worked. He regained the sense of touch through an artificial limb. I had a damn nerdgasm when I read that.

Unfortunately it's still pretty early in the technology. What Dennis was going through was only a clinical trial that's over already. He's gone back to his old robot hand. He was pretty nice about the whole situation and wanted to help the scientists and other people in his situation, even if it meant that he only had touch temporarily. They're going to have to make some more adjustments and things before they really become available for commercial use. Even then it's probably going to be a long time still until they become really affordable.

This, my friends, is really the great golden age of epic awesomeness. This is when everything gets created. Thirty years from now when things like 3D printers and bionic hands become commercially available at affordable prices, that will be pretty cool, but it's still cooler to have been around when they were being made.

Now where are my damn flying cars and hoverboards? I need hoverboards to be a thing while I'm still reasonably young.

Monday, 10 February 2014

"This Police Car Is Sponsored By..."

I was looking at my local newspaper yesterday and I saw a headline that stuck out to me. Apparently our police force is so underfunded that they're considering putting corporate sponsorships by local businesses and closing police stations to increase income and reduce expenditure, respectively. The closing of the stations would mean that all the cops inside would go back on the beat, and patrol the streets.

At first I wasn't sure what to think and then I realised that, really, it might not be such a bad idea. The corporate sponsorship that is. More police out on the beat can only be a good thing. As long as they keep a skeleton crew in the station. Never know when you might need it. It's very, very bad that the police can't really afford what they need, but this is an excellent way for the community to help give back to the police. If I had the money I'd be quite happy, and proud, to say that I was funding the police. Of course, if I had more money I'd be paying taxes and paying for them anyway, but that's neither here nor there.

I think that as long as it doesn't lead to some kind of favouritism, it could be a pretty good thing. I think perhaps one of the only downsides is that the main times you're going to see a police car parked, and therefore have the thing be the most visible, is during an arrest or at an accident. I don't think that if you're driving past an accident, or part of one, you really want to think about a shop or service. If you're the one being arrested, you're likely to see your next target on the car you're being forced into.

Well, I thought it could end up being a pretty decent idea. Even if it is very sad that we've gotten to this point. It also makes whoever paid for the sponsorship seem pretty cool in my opinion. They've got to be nice if they're paying for the police directly.

I wonder how much they would have got selling my router. I never got that back after the house invasion two years ago.

Friday, 7 February 2014

Where Did All The Time Go?

As I look back at this past week, that's what I find myself thinking the most. Just where did all my time go? When I think back, I seem to have had more than enough of it, but apparently not as I didn't get as much done as I would have liked. The obvious answer is of course that I managed my time pretty badly, but even that doesn't quite seem to amount for things.

At least I got some editing done. I can say that. I experienced the joy and horror of going through something I wrote a while ago too when I went through the date scenes again. The really sad part about that is that I didn't really change a thing. I just wasn't in the mood for something like that when I was going through them. They weren't actually so bad that they required editing. I've discovered that a lot of the later stuff, when I really found my pace and fully understood where things were going, wasn't that bad. The rest of the edits should fly by. If I ever get started on them.

There's no real excuse for everything I've not gotten done this week. I've also gotten a few things done that weren't on the plan though. Such as a lot of cleaning up. So it's not all bad, I guess.

Thursday, 6 February 2014

Still No Release

For my book that is; The Beast. First the publisher was going to release it last month, and then it was last week, and then it was some time this week. I don't think the delays would bother me so much if I knew why they were happening. I even checked my spam folders to see if I had anything from him, and there's nothing there. There's still always tomorrow I guess. But it is a bit annoying that it's still not out. I could do with some good news right now. Oh well. I'll continue on, and see what happens.

As for today, I plan on at least taking a walk. I don't think I exercised much last week and I haven't done anything this week either. Maybe about a mile or so at most. I don't think I have it in me to my good old fashioned four mile walk anymore. I'm also going to have to use a different route if I only want to walk a mile. That kinda sucks because that route has too many downhills. The four mile one had a downhill on the way back, but it wasn't very steep so I was still able to keep up a good heart rate. Anyone who's used a heart rate monitor while exercising (and even some that haven't) will tell you that the higher your heart rate, the higher your caloric burn. Just be careful not to have a heart attack. Lord knows how many calories I've actually lost at the gym when my heart rate would hit 170 and stay there. I couldn't keep my heart rate monitor on there because my body would get so slick with sweat that the chest strap would slip no matter how tight I had it.

Well now that I've put that image in your minds, I'll step away for today. See you again next time. Most likely tomorrow. Oh, and yes, I'm totally aware I forgot to put up an Immortal Space this week. Editing is going well, and I do have the piece to put up, I just totally forgot to.

Monday, 3 February 2014

That Time I Wasn't Raped

When one runs low on ideas one turns to stories from their past. I shall be no different. This is one of the few interesting things to actually happen to me. It's the story about the time that I wasn't raped.

There is one major piece of advice that parents give their kids. That would be of course to not talk to strangers. It's considered one of those very important things for a child to do. Way to instil a fear of the unknown into your children! I think this happened when I was about 11-13. I'm not sure on my precise age because of well, natural memory less. I'm going senile you know. Or at least suppressing everything.

So anyway, I was a youngster and a friend of my older brother said I could go to his house to hang out sometime. I said sure, because I kinda liked the guy myself. He was pretty cool. He's also not that necessary to the story. He was unfortunately pretty bad at directions, and that is his major role in this story; he gave my dad poor directions to his house. My dad took me to the wrong place, and I foolishly dismissed him before making sure it was the right house. What I should have done is knocked on the door, and then signalled for my dad to leave once I was safely inside. Instead I had him leave before I knocked on the door. Shortly after knocking on the door was when I realised that it was the wrong house, or the guy just wasn't home. I would later discover it was the wrong house entirely. By this point my dad is already gone. Home is about two miles away but when you're that young you don't really think about things like that. You tend to just think "Oh fuck I'm lost." That was pretty much what I did. That's when I broke that one rule that your parents instil in you. The one thing that they shove down your throats.

I talked to a stranger.

There was a guy not far down the road who was with his family. I don't remember exactly what they were doing. For all I know the guy was alone. Well anyway, I went and talked to him and explained my situation. Because I was so close, and he was so nice, he offered me a ride home. So I went and broke the second rule parents tell you; I got in a car with a stranger. A pick up truck no less. But he returned me home safe and sound and in to the arms of my sister, who was freaking out that I took a strange man's offer on a ride home.

Is there a point to this story? I suppose not. It's just a nice little story about how I got lost and was helped by a stranger, who never proceeded to rape me. Not all strangers are bad people. Even ones with pick up trucks that are prime for transporting the body of a dead 11 year old boy.

Maybe I was just ugly when I was young.

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