Monday, 24 July 2017

Plan Ahead

I had my second to last driving lesson last Friday. My last driving lesson before my test will be this Friday. The lesson itself went really smooth. I didn't make any major mistakes at least. I came to terms with one of the big problems I have though. I focus too much on the car in front of me. It's one of the main reasons I make mistakes and find myself where I shouldn't be. I need to wait a few seconds before moving off and keep my eyes on the whole road. I can't see the forest for the trees if you will. 

It's going to be a tough habit to break in the next few weeks to be sure, but I'm sure I can do something about it. I already made some small progress during the actual lesson itself. Now I just need to keep doing it. In a way, I just have to be a great driver for around an hour during the test itself. I can worry about the rest when I pass my test. 

I actually did see something pretty fun during this lesson though. It was when we practiced parking using just the mirrors. The parking bays at the test center aren't aligned. So if I line myself up with the space in front of me - a tactic one can use in a regular car park - I'm completely out of position. So I need to be able to park using my mirrors and the space I'm trying to park into. I actually did a decent job of it. 

Well I found myself trying to park two spaces away from a van. I was there for a short while. After a few attempts another car pulled up a few spaces away from the van. A woman got out of it, and actually just got straight into the van after a short chat with the driver. My instructor actually informed me that he sees that kind of thing a surprising amount of times. He called it a "liason". 

So, yeah, I probably saw a prostitute in a Morisson's car park. How about that?

Friday, 21 July 2017

Have a Laugh on Me

Sorry about the late post folks. I overslept and then had to have a driving lesson. Now I'm really depressed. There's no need for you to be though.

This is almost too many puns. 

This truly is my biggest fantasy

I miss Harambe. The world isn't the same without him. 

This kid is going to have a great marriage

That's just how all my women are

I always like sharing this. It's not funny, but it's always meaningful and relevant. 

The line gets blurrier every day

Ba dum tsh

Well, do I?

People have made this joke so many times I'm not sure what Stephen Hawking's actual first Facebook post was. 
In case you're wondering my driving lesson went well. I'm not depressed over that. Just other shit. Have a good weekend folks. See you on the other side.

Thursday, 20 July 2017

The Nanny State Strikes Back

It's not often I get political on here, and the reason is simple; I hate discussing politics. I have my views, you have yours, and they'll probably clash. What's the point in talking about it? This post isn't entirely political though, so perhaps you'll indulge me.

It was announced recently that the UK government took a step back from fucking up Europe to get around to fucking up the internet. From April of next year, people accessing porn sites will need to "verify their identity". God only knows what that means. It's a move that the government claims - of course - is to "protect the children". Let me tell you one quick thing about politics; never trust a politician who says they do something for the kids.

These measures are almost never designed to protect children. It's also not their job to do that anyway. There are thousands of parental filters available for computers. I should know. I used them on my nieces. Microsoft itself has a nice tool that allows you to block access to certain topics/sites and even read through the browsing/search history of your kids. It's like having your own little NSA!

The government always introduces bullshit by attacking porn because they know no one will defend it. Right now you probably don't like me much because you think I'm defending porn. I'm not. I've had addictions to that stuff. I know how much it can mess you up. I'm not arguing for porn, I'm arguing against bullshit regulations that are introduced on phony grounds. If politicians were actually interested in protecting the children they would do something about child porn and all the sexual abuse. Child porn is not on legitimate porn sites. It's on the mysterious dark web. This measure will do nothing to stop child porn and, quite frankly, will likely not deter children from watching or finding access to it.

It is up to parents to parent their children. It is up to governments to stop introducing bullshit on a web of lies. Every time the government touches the internet they fuck it up massively. Just look at the Snoopers Charter of the UK and Net Neutrality in the States. The internet is fine. Stop messing with it.


Monday, 17 July 2017

Chicks Dig the Guy With the Plan

My computer chair broke a few weeks ago and - thanks to some admin errors here and there - it took a while to get a replacement. I ordered a new one only to be told that they were out of stock. So then I ordered a different one. It got here in the end and I was able to put it together at least. Putting that chair together gave me an odd shot of testosterone too. I felt great all day.

This did mean I had a few weeks without a chair in my bedroom though, which meant doing my work downstairs. Now, no one in this house really ventures downstairs much unless they need the kitchen areas. The living areas are remarkably unlivable. It turns out they're great for working in though.

I don't know if it was because of some psychological implications, a lack of distractions, or just magical powers, but I'm far more productive downstairs sat in the front room. I burned through work. I considered trying to turn the back room into a study after my experiments but, to be perfectly honest, it would take a lot of work.

So instead I'm going to convert it into a weight room. The problem is that it's going to take a while. The first step in my plan is actually passing my driving test. The second step is to hire a van and clear the whole place out. I can clear out the front room while I'm at it too, and anything else that needs clearing. My dad is licensed to drive a van of course, but he really doesn't like doing it and I'm not going to try and force him.

It'll also take a while to pay for all the equipment. I've got plans for that too though. I even have a few pieces of equipment already.

So the ultimate plan is to do some weight lifting between jobs and just in down periods. If I'm downstairs already then I'm going to be more likely to do it. I know people who do something similar to this and manage to keep themselves in pretty decent shape.

I suppose we'll have to see how dedicated to this goal I still am by the time I've got the money for the equipment. Not to mention the money to hire a van.

Friday, 14 July 2017

Hello Friday My Old Friend

Got a driving lesson today. Let's hope I continue my streak of not hitting anyone.

You're god damn right it is


Americans are great at war. Just don't be their allies.  
That's a nice twist ending

Sadly not everyone can be the dancing queen

I don't know what's more impressive; that they kayaked through a drive-thru, or that the McDonalds was open

He makes a great point

I've made things like this on Rollercoaster Tycoon

Kids will do that to you

Hey now, goats are pretty cool.
Have a great weekend folks. I'll do what I can to have one myself.

Thursday, 13 July 2017

Home Invaders

It's not quite as impressive as the heatwave in the US that's melting mailboxes and frying eggs on the pavement, but the UK is still going through a heatwave right now. Actually the weather can't decide what it wants to be as we also get a lot of rain. People who talk about "rain or shine" are talking about this week.

All this warm weather means my dad has been leaving our back door open to keep the house cool, which has let in a few pests. It's also proving what little murder machines my cats are. In particular Moo Moo; the cute little black and white one. She's not so cute when you see her eating a bird that she's trapped and killed herself.
Look at the little serial killer
The largest pest of them all came just this morning. Somehow, some way, the dog from next door got out of their yard, in our yard, and then in our house. Where it proceeded to shit on everything. Thanks for that dog.

As much as I love all animals - and I do - I'm not a big fan of this dog. He barks and whines all day and it just gets annoying. That's not entirely his fault, as his owners could try and do something about it, but it's still annoying. Then he goes and shits in my dad's slippers and on our rugs. Not cool brah, not cool.

There is a funny side to all this though; Jess is sleeping here again to escape her own dog. She's in heat and is being a little "over-friendly". Maybe Jess just naturally attracts dogs?

Monday, 10 July 2017

Watch Your Weight

I'm going to be honest with you folks and just say that my weight problems have spiraled completely out of control. It doesn't matter what kind of diet I try to follow, as I'm just unable to stick to it. I don't know where it happened but I've completely lost all willpower. I don't know where the part of my brain that allowed me to lose over 80 pounds is but I dare say it's dead. It probably choked to death on some food.

It's reached the point I have trouble sleeping at night because I have trouble breathing. If I lie down in a certain position it actually causes my voice to change because the fat is pressing down against my vocal chords. At least, that's what I assume is happening. I barely have any semblance of physical fitness left either. Everything to do with my weight has just tanked, except for my weight itself which continues to rise.

Every day I tell myself I will do or be better. I come up with meal plans and I have every intention of following them. Then when the time comes to eat I make excuse after excuse. I'm tired of making excuses like that and I'm tired of living like this.

Evidently though, I'm not quite tired enough to actually muster the willpower to do anything about it. There are days when it feels like I can actually feel myself dying, and there are days when it seems I'm determined to kill myself through food.

I don't even know what to do anymore. You can only help those who want to be helped, and while this is clearly a call for help I'm sure it will be forgotten about by my next meal.

Friday, 7 July 2017

Enter the Funzone

To be honest I'm not feeling particularly fun today. Maybe you guys are though, and you'll enjoy this more than me.

Kids are tards. 

If I tried this she'd jump and THEN say no

I want me a wife like this


Sounds about right

You know who you are.

You take what assurances you can get

I'm going to call my son Stephen and force him to get a pHD

Help my sense of humour is leaking
This is me 

Thursday, 6 July 2017

Booking it Back In

Following a somewhat successful driving lesson this past Tuesday (no one died but I did clip the curb with the wheel) I decided it was time to book in my second - and hopefully last - driving test. I intended to book it in this past Friday but spent the weekend with Jess, as discussed on Monday. So there wasn't really a whole lot of time to get things organised.

I wanted to book my test for around mid to late July. Then I saw that we were already in July. It crept up on me pretty quickly. I suppose that's what I get for putting off more lessons for a month. So instead of having a test at the end of July, I'll be having it at the start o August; about a week later than originally intended. It'll be at 1:35 on August 3rd.

It's worth noting I am a good, smooth driver. I have nothing else to learn as far as driving goes. I know what I'm doing and how to do it. Martin tells me that my gear shifts are so smooth and flawless he actually loses track of what gear I'm in. I brake efficiently, I drive efficiently, and I'm just downright awesome.

No, my problems are psychological. I get too complacent. I stop checking my mirrors. I retreat into myself and forget that I should be aware of everything happening around me too. If something goes wrong in a car, it really goes wrong. So I have about a month to smooth out that particular problem.

Really all the reasons I failed my test the first time can be traced back to not checking my mirrors. If I had just been looking in my mirrors more, I could have moved over to the right instead of having my examiner be forced to do it. If I had just checked my mirrors before breaking when those cars came out of nowhere, it would have been safer.

To put it simply; I need to be checking my mirrors all the fucking time, and I'm not. That's it. That's the one major problem I need to overcome before my test.

Monday, 3 July 2017

So Bad It's Good

Because we had absolutely nothing better to do, Jess came over for the weekend again. Actually she's still here and is one of the few reasons that my sanity has been held together over the past few days. Well, because we really had nothing better to do, we decided to watch some old movies from the 80s and 90s. You know the kind, so bad that they're good. All in all we've watched the Super Mario Bros film, the RoboCop trilogy, and Demolition Man. We also have plans to watch Conan the Barbarian and the original Teenage Mutant Turtles movies (fuck you Michael Bay!). Given that we also marathoned the shitty Batman movies last week, we've seen a lot of bad movies that are good from an entertainment standpoint.

This is the true face of evil
Now it is worth noting that not all of these are bad. RoboCop 1 is an excellent film. From an entertainment standpoint though, RoboCop 2 is the more entertaining movie. It's less dark, there's more cliche shit, and it's just overall more fun. RC3 though? That's just bad. We watched it just to watch it.

Demolition Man presents a grim look at 20 years in the future (for us - for them it was about 30-40 years). It shows a bleak future in which SJWs run the world and everyone is really shit at everything. Except the badasses from the 20th century.

Super Mario Bros is easily one of the best worst movies ever. Me and Jess were laughing our asses off for the entire thing. Everything was so ridiculously good and funny. Even as a fan of the Mario Bros games I had a lot of fun.

I'm pretty sure that only people who were around at the time would enjoy them as much as I did. If I showed them to someone young nowadays they might not get what makes them such campy pieces of awesomeness. But I'll still remember them for the good times.

Here's to you, shitty 90s movies!

Friday, 30 June 2017

Friday Funnies

I couldn't think of an alternative title. I'm too tired.

I really want to try this on someone

Can they vaccinate meat?

Mother Nature is fighting back. Very, very slowly. 

As a Brit everything I say sounds sarcastic 

Speaking of Brits being sarcastic

This is how I'm going to die

I'd vote for the guy on the right just for their massive balls

What a steal!

They're just too long

I was having a bad day. This does help. 
Have a great weekend folks!

Thursday, 29 June 2017

Rough Day, Smooth Driving

I'm in for a pretty rough day today but I'm going to avoid complaining about that, and instead let you know how my last driving lesson went.

It turns out that learning to drive is a lot like learning to ride a bike. You just don't forget. Unless you take too long of course. There was about a decade between my riding a bike and I didn't get it right away. That was a decade though, and I picked it back up pretty quickly. There was only a month between driving lessons.

Things progressed pretty smoothly. We discussed how long I should wait before taking another test (around a month), and just went around for a two hour drive to get me back into the groove. My instructor never felt the need to intervene directly but he did admit there were a few moments where he admitted he should have, or that a driving test invigilator would have. So it wasn't a perfectly smooth drive. No one got hit though, which is what I consider to be a plus.

We also talked about why I failed my test. He said that he would look over the footage of my test and let me know where things went wrong. It's tough because he doesn't have audio (legally he can only record video) but he should be able to tell enough about what happened from the footage. We'll look at what went wrong and spend the next month smoothing out my mistakes so I can pass next time.

I'm gonna keep on driving, I'm gonna keep on getting there, and I'm gonna go pass my test. Because I'm fucking awesome.

Monday, 26 June 2017

Back to Normal

I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, because my memory is just that terrible, but Jess spent the week here. We did some work on the house - cleaning up the kitchen and bathroom - and had some fun, but she's going back home today. Tomorrow is also my first driving lesson in about a month. I didn't plan on waiting that long but, to be quite honest, I just couldn't afford it.

But with Jess going home and my driving lessons starting back up, it seems things are going back to normal for me. I'm a little anxious about getting back behind the wheel, but that's just because of how long it's been. I'll get back into it pretty quickly. There was that time I went a few weeks without a driving lesson and was able to pick it back up quickly. Tomorrow will be more of a refresher lesson before we get into the meat and potatoes of why I failed and what we can do to ensure I don't fail the next time.

I still have hopes I can pass my test before the end of August, which is when I go on holiday. My dad says that he can survive driving us there again for another year but it really would be so much easier if I could do the driving. Then he could take the kids on the train so we have more room for luggage (mostly theirs) and I could take the cats to and from the cattery myself. Actually one of the conditions of putting them in the cattery was A) I would pay for it and B) I would take them there and pick them up. Not that my dad would mind taking care of that too if he had to.

I got two months to get this shit done.

Let's do it.

Plus with a license I could pick Jess up and take her home whenever I wanted.

Friday, 23 June 2017

I Got That Friday Feeling

I still feel a little sick, but I have a lot of work to do to finish up by the end of the day so I can spend the weekend off with Jess doing more work around the house. She's taking care of the bathroom today, which is the smallest room in the house. Later on we're going to get drunk and watch bad Batman movies. Wish us luck!

Just kill me now

And we're all invited

I'm kinda sad I never gave - or received - one of these notes


That kid is going places

Yes please

This is brilliant

Cats are the ultimate attention whores

Neither of these things has happened to me. 

This is true evil genius
Have a great weekend folks. I wonder how well the "Bat Nipples" have aged.


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