Friday, 21 April 2017

A Day of Rest

I decided to take a little time off work after all. Of course, I have to finish up the work I already have first. So I won't actually get any time off until Sunday or Monday. Which will hardly count as days off; I volunteer Sunday and I have a driving lesson Monday.

I think this is the plot of the Ghostbusters porn parody

I don't think this ship is going to fly very well

There are some days where you just feel like this

How long have the media and the royal family been lying to us?

Something tells me weed was involved in the creation of this cake
Yeah cos it's not like we can just run out of coal

In case you can't read it, it says "Jesus is my co-pilot and we're cruising for pussy" I wonder how much of a wingman Jesus is


My first response when I saw this was "Of course there is"
Have a good weekend folks. See y'all on Monday.

Thursday, 20 April 2017

Time is Distorting

This is one of those posts that could quickly get away from me. You have been warned.

For some reason I was convinced that today was Saturday. I'm not entirely sure why. It's something that happens to me every so often. I'll be convinced that it's a different day. Time just gets distorted for me sometimes. It's probably one of the reasons I have such a bad memory. Man, I'm probably going to get some form of dementia when I'm older. Assuming I live that long.

It probably has something to do with how much work I've been doing lately. I haven't really had much of a chance to take a break. When you're trying to cram two, or even three-days worth of work into one day it's going to affect your sense of time and reality.

It seems apt that today is 4/20 because I imagine this might be what it feels like to be under the influence. I also haven't been sleeping properly, which hasn't helped. I really just need to take a day to myself and not do anything, but I hate that. I'm always worried that work will dry up when I'm gone and I'll never have any orders when I come back.

Sometimes you just have to do these things though. For your own sake.

Monday, 17 April 2017

Putting It To The Test

Things have been so hectic around here I completely forgot to tell you guys about how I had a mock practical driving test. It was the week after I passed my (real) theory test. My instructor decided to do a mock practical to give us an idea of where I was and what I needed to do next. It went...okay, I guess?

Almost as soon as the "test" started the car stalled. I actually remarked it was a terrible way to start a test. I redeemed myself later on by getting out of the way of an ambulance perfectly, but unfortunately it wasn't enough. I got a lot of minor faults, almost all of which involved not looking in my mirrors. I have a pretty good field of vision. I've mentioned I only see out of one eye at a time. My eyes compensated for this by actually getting stronger. I have a wider field of vision than most people. Anyway, I have to make it obvious that I'm looking in my mirrors. This involves moving my head. I remarked to my instructor that I had to get into the habit of checking the mirrors with my head and not my eyes. Even though I was always checking my mirror, they were counted as minor faults because I wasn't so obvious about it.

Things also went a little downhill when the time came to do the manouvre. My instructor chose reversing left. For some reason, I performed incredibly well under test conditions. We've agreed I should always do manouvres like that from now on. Unfortunately, I picked up a serious fault doing this because there was someone walking behind the car and I didn't stop for them when I should have. I knew they were there, but I didn't know they were close enough for me to have to stop.

My instructor says he doesn't like doing mock practicals, feeling that they can discourage most learners. I'm glad that he did it with me though. Given that almost all of my minor faults involved not checking my mirrors, I feel I can pass a test as long as I get in the habit of looking with my head. It showed me what I have to work on, now we just have to work on that.

I also really need to do something about my lane discipline. That's been plaguing me for my entire driving career. That problem is related to my eyes, so it will be a little difficult to overcome, but I can do it.

I'm an excellent driver.

Friday, 14 April 2017

More Friday Fun

I'm pleased to report I'm in a slightly better mood than I was yesterday. We'll see how long that lasts as I work my way through my completely-overbooked workload. I'm almost afraid to go into vacation mode to take care of it all because I'm worried doing that too much was why I had a slump in hiring in the first place. Well, that's enough rambling from me.

Oh look it's my bus

The more you know

You can't tell me what to do!

There's also the fifth option where the tiny head has a tiny hat.
I wonder if this makes it worth more or less


The true purpose of the NSA


Are people really so dumb that they need instructions like that?

This kitty looks proud of being an asshole
Have a good weekend folks, and enjoy your Easter celebrations! (If you're celebrating).

Thursday, 13 April 2017

I Need to Clear My Head

Hey guys. I'd love to have something topical, witty, and fun for y'all but, to be quite honest, my brain just isn't in it today. I've had a couple of rough experiences lately and now my head is so crammed with crap I couldn't write a blog post about anything. Problem is; I've never been very good at that. Another problem is I have a driving lesson today. Normally driving is a great way to clear one's head, but I think that only applies to driving as and how you want. Lessons can be a little more stressful than that. Not very head-clearing at all.

Man I hope I wake up in a better mood tomorrow. Or something happens today to perk me up.

Monday, 10 April 2017

I Passed

I didn't have a driving lesson last week. Instead I had my first of two tests. I think I've explained this before but in the UK you have the theory test (which is written) and then the practical test (where you drive around with an examiner). I had been putting my theory off for a long time, but it was getting to the point where I was approaching being ready for my practical. I had to pass my theory before I could book my practical. So I gave myself a month. I bought a month-long subscription to one of those fancy online programs, booked my test, and went for it. 

If you can't tell by the name of the post; I passed my test. 

I'm pretty great
The funny thing was that, the night before the test, I sat three mock tests in preparation and screwed up two of them. I wasn't all that confident heading into the real thing. As my dad said though, it seems I got my fuck ups out of the way. I ended up getting a 45/50 (42 is a pass) on the written test, acing the hazard perception test with a score of over 60. That felt great. 

They take security in those test centres pretty seriously though. I had to leave every single personal item I had in a locker, including my hoodie and my gloves. I wasn't even allowed to wear my anti-arthritis gloves. Sheesh. Then I had to turn out my pockets and roll up my sleeves before I was let into the examination room. I'm surprised that they let me wear my glasses. 

About half an hour later I walked out of the place with a piece of paper saying I had passed, and that's what matters. It felt great. Now let's get this practical passed and get me a full driving license already. 

Friday, 7 April 2017

Two Long Days

I was up working until about 2 or 3 in the morning last night, and evidence suggests I'm in for a really long day today too. At least today I'll have more time for work, so I shouldn't be working quite that late. I think I'll take my mind off of it with some stupid pictures.

These are great words to live by 
God damn that looks demonic

I can confirm this

The doctor's just tryna score

Open your eyes people, this is what really killed the dinosaurs

Taco catttttttttt

Oh look it's me

Oh look it's also me

I love a good bit of historical humour
This is what Mr Right looks like ladies. 
Have a great weekend folks, and I'll see y'all Monday.

Thursday, 6 April 2017

A New Member of the Family

Don't worry; I haven't had any kids. I haven't had a period in about 20 years but, somehow, I'm still not pregnant. I don't know if I mentioned this before but my eldest niece is pregnant. Or rather, she was pregnant until a few days ago. She wasn't going into labour so she was induced on Sunday afternoon. It was about 48 hours later (the girl does nothing quickly) that her son Shey officially entered the world. 

The little dude's only just been born and he's already angry about something. 
This feat makes me a grand uncle, which sounds like something no man in his 20s should be calling himself. Then again, I was an uncle at about 7 so it shouldn't be that much of a surprise. Still, if this trend continues, I could very well become a great grand uncle by the time I'm 50. 


I wonder how my dad feels about being a great grandfather in his mid-60s. 

Speaking of my dad, we'll be seeing the happy couple (and the baby) some time later today. The birth was a little rough on my niece (a 48-hour labour will do that to a girl) so we decided to let her rest for a few days before going around. 

Needless to say, today is going to be one busy day. I also have a good chunk of work to get done. Until then though, congrats on your new baby niecebeast. Better you than me. 

Monday, 3 April 2017

Heal The World

When I was volunteering yesterday I poked through the CD and DVD section, which is hardly a rare thing for me to do. We get some really great stuff in at times. There was a Beatles shirt that I was interested in but it sold by the time I decided to buy it. Instead I settled on buying a bunch of CDs, a few DVDs, and even two books.

One of the CDs I got was a Michael Jackson greatest hits album. I do enjoy the music of Michael Jackson, but he's one of those artists where I only enjoy about half of what he put out. So a greatest hits is fine by me, and likely to have all the songs I do like without any of the songs I don't. That was the case here. The last song on the album was Heal the World; which was actually one of the first Michael Jackson songs I ever heard. It, along with Earth Song, are actually two of my favourite songs by the guy. I think they both have incredible messages that perhaps we should be listening to. I don't know if Jackson was ahead of his time, or if the world is still shit, but the message of the song is still just as important today as it was back then. Heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me, and the entire human race. There are people dying, if you care enough about the living.

The world has never needed healing more.

Friday, 31 March 2017

Is It Friday Already?

Man what a long week this has been.

I need this dog. It's everything I want in a dog. 

My last words

Life gives you more than you think

It's also the most MURRICAN pickup line ever, what with all the red, white, and blue

If I had a tiny turtle this is what I'd do.

Somewhere Schrodinger is having an Aneurysm. 

I can actually see Pornhub doing this

This is a majestic couch

This is just smart advertising

Look at this poor dog and ask yourself if the high is worth it.
Have a great weekend folks. I'll see y'all Monday.

Thursday, 30 March 2017

Stories From a Friend

I have a friend who occasionally writes stories. I've actually featured some of her work on here before, back when I did Friendship Week. She recently wrote another story and I enjoyed it so much I wanted to share it. So - with her permission - here is To Stare.
The blue green light falls fragmented through the stained glass windows.

His face, highlighted by the pale yellow light of the candle, surrounded by incense smoke,
and his ears full of the words of the speaker.

He stares dutifully ahead,gazing out at the sea of faces before him.

He recognizes several. Janet, the mother from down the street. Beatrice, from his old chemistry class.
His cousins, who flew all the way in from Chicago. Other than that, his immediate family, and his few close friends. Pat, Izzy, and Michael sat in the second row. His mother sits a few rows back, with his sister next to her.

His dad is nowhere to be found.

"Typical." He thinks to himself. "Dad never comes to anything, why should this be different."
He continues to stare dutifully ahead, even when the hot wax of the candle drops on him. He wishes he would move, but he can't, he won't.

He never really liked church, he found it boring and repetitive. Sit, stand, kneel, stand, sit, kneel. Up and down.

Listen to the priest speak, repeat what he says.

Over and over.

For two hours.

This service  seems like it's been going on for 6.

He holds in a sigh, and scans the crowd again. A few more people file in. It's the soccer players. "John, Jacob, Marco, Steve, Eric. " he named each as they walked though the huge doors, trying to be as quiet as possible.

The organ music started up again. "Oh great, another song." He thought.

As the entire congregation stood, they began to sing.

He simply stays there. Unmoving, and uncaring.

Besides, it wasn't him in that coffin.

Boredom overcomes him. He looks around once again. The wax drips from the candle, onto the shiny white fabric draped around him.



He watches the small pile of wax harden, and begin to form a twisting, lumpy form.

As it builds and grows, he watches, and it takes a human like shape.

"It looks like something I know." He thinks. Then he realizes. The Scream.

Have you ever seen that painting? The Scream? That, pale, twisted, contorted figure, with his dark eyes wide open? He stares endlessly into whatever mundane object he's placed in front of.
This man can relate. He has no choice but to stare at what he's placed in front of.

Now, the unending sea of faces, tears, and false sadness ahead him. Trapped behind glass, unmoving, unable to will his way out.

He's been trapped here for what seems like days. And he has no choice but to stare ahead with blank eyes, lest he let himself  be consumed by the darkness waiting for him, and everyone else. So he chooses to stare, and stare at whatever  lies ahead.

He confines to stare. Unaffected, unmoved, disinterested.

Then something, well, someone, catches his eye. "Gene." He hissed to himself. "That little shit is the reason we're all here." He thought to himself, silently cursing the man who caused this.

All this sorrow and hurt.

And his boredom.

"We wouldn't have been here if he had been more careful. " he thinks. That single footstep out of formation ultimately cost him, and half of his squadron to be thrown across that open field. Some of them were lucky. They landed clear of any more mines. A few were disintegrated upon landing, other lost arms, or legs. He however, lost the lower half of his body.

Did you know that a human can live for several minutes after losing their lower body?
Well neither did he until he experienced it.

Apparently, the lucky ones bleed out in a few seconds.

"Looking back, I think the only reason I survived was that somehow, my femoral artery wasn't severed. "He pondered.

Then began his long time of staring . He couldn't move his head, but he could see everything. " I sat there, in agonizing pain, watching as my friends exploded around me." He spat, his anger and spite fueled by this memory.

Thomas had lost a leg, but was dragging himself back to the rest of the squadron when he hit a mine. *boom* No more Thomas. Marco lost an arm and some shoulder, but was making his way to the group, when he fell,

He assumes Marco passed out, and bam half of his face was blown away. Bye Marco. Dean, John, and the Isaiah also met their end due to some more mines. They were the ones who just blew apart, the lucky bastards. “The best part of all of it? Well, while they were getting blown apart,little bits and pieces of my friends spattered across him. A little bit of Marco landed on my cheek,I could feel Thomas’ shattered bones pelting his torso. John, Dean and Isaiah were basically vaporized,

So he wound up looking like an all- red Jackson Pollack painting. It was great.” he thought. After the rest of his friends finished dying, he finally stopped breathing, and fell over. *boom* he had rolled into a mine. The only pieces of him they were able to recover was his left hand, and his dog tags.

"Of course, the only one near me who survived was Gene." He said in a venomous tone.
"That little chickenshit should have died too. He finished at the bottom of the class. The smallest, weakest, most scared kid I'd ever come across." He cursed. "Now, I finished top of the class, with the highest  physical score, second highest tactical score, and the third highest intelligence.So of course, they put me with this little kid." He thought, rolling his eyes.  "The little shit bumped into me, and cause my foot to step off of the designated path, then boom he screwed us all over. " he said, his words thick with emotion. Since he absorbed most of the blast, Gene just got thrown off his feet.

Now Gene is sitting in the very back of the church, alone, with silent tears on his face, as if he knows what he did. "I hope he feels like crap." The man on the alter thinks.

The ceremony ends, finally. The lines of people leave the church, and his coffin is lifted.

"I don't know why they bother doing all this." He thinks. "All that's in the coffin is my hand. And not even my right hand. The left. The one I never used or cared about."

He supposes that that's the reason he can't drift more than a few feet away from the dog tags in the picture frame. His photo was left in the church  while they buried the coffin, but he could feel it.
His lone hand grew colder and colder, as more chilled,  November earth was thrown onto his coffin.
Contrary to what most think, you can actually feel everything that happens to your body after death.

He could feel the scavengers picking at his rib cage, the hairs pulled from his head to be used in birds nests, all of it. "I feel bad for whatever unlucky bastards get their asses
toasted." He chuckled to himself, glad him family had decided against it.

After the ceremony, his mother comes back for him. Lifting the frame, she wraps it in a shawl, plunging him into darkness. "Well great" he thinks.

He is taken home, and finds himself placed on a mantle.

"Shit." He thinks.

He's placed facing that painting he had previously reflected on. The Scream.

Two people, trapped to forever stare ahead, face to face, unable to change their fates.

There will be no rest for him. No heaven. No hell. No purgatory, or just darkness. Just the living room he was so familiar with.

100 years later, he sits in the mud, buried by years of disinterest.

No one remembers him but him, and no one ever will again.

So he stares, an unwilling passenger on the ride that took him down paths he never asked to go on, waiting for a new wave to sweep him along.

The formatting was done by me so if there are any problems with that, I would be the one to blame. Feel free to leave some criticism because I will be passing the feedback on to her. 

Monday, 27 March 2017

Mother's Day Plus One

Yesterday was a pretty big deal here in the UK. Not only did the clocks move forward an hour (which I was awake for) but it was also Mothering Sunday/Mother's Day. That's right my American friends, we have different Mother's Days. We have Father's Day on the same day though, so I don't know what that's all about.
So for the first time since Christmas I hitched up my belt and went to see my dear mother. I don't get to see her all that often really. I think Christmas, Mother's Day, and birthdays (mine and hers are five days apart) are about it. I think one of the things I'll do when I get my driving license is go visit her more often. I just have to remember where she lives. Thank God for mums? Thank God for GPS!

It was an interesting visit because, unbeknownst to me, one of my older sisters was there with her boyfriend and four kids. It made the whole visit a lot more fun and memorable. I couldn't walk past the kitchen without the three youngest coming up to me and giving me a hug. They all love me because they barely see me.

I gave my mum a card, some incense, and a kick ass colour changing candle. My sister has said she wants one too. The glass is heat sensitive so it changes colour when the candle is lit. It actually changed colour when she went to light the candle, which was pretty cool. Now I think about it, I kind of want one too.

My mum might have her troubles at times, but she's always got a big smile and a lot of love for me, and I'm more than happy to return it. I have a pretty good idea for what to get her for her birthday in a few months' time. I just hope I can pull it off.

Friday, 24 March 2017

It's Time for Some Fun

I think the only time I stopped working yesterday was when I was out with Paul. Jesus wept that was a long day.

Man I want one of these dogs.  
I love a good pun

I'd play around with the name of my wifi but I'd just confuse my dad and brother

"Turbo Anal ISIS" sounds pretty damn bad

Florida Man is truly my favourite superhero. 

Everyone knows you can't see John Cena

How do you know you aren't immune to fire if you've never tried?

I'd like to try this, just to see what kind of "relief" you can get from gum

You could be having sex right now

I've also noticed an increase in how much I sneeze, but no dandy lions. 
I'm in for a buttload of work today too. S'all good though. That just means more money for me. Which is always great. Have a good weekend folks!


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